Healing after years of child abuse and rape takes a long time. I am still a work in progress and each time I find another layer, I welcome it because it is the only way I can work through it to let it go.
Part of my healing journey now is to challenge myself as a human being. After years spent managing internal pain and uncertainty, in survival mode I am on a mission to become the best version of myself. Not perfect, but experience all that life has to offer.
This past weekend, I attended a retreat in Sedona with like minded people. I have been blessed to find a group of entrepreneurs that are both looking to build a successful business and do it with integrity and in alignment with their highest and best good. I have been a part of this group for almost a year now. Just like I recommend to my clients that they find a group or join one of the groups that I provide, I also need a group of peers for encouragement and support and, most importantly, to celebrate our strengths and successes in life.
I went into this retreat with an open heart and two questions in mind. ”What do I need to learn this weekend?” and “What story am I telling myself that no longer serves me?”
As our facilitator lead us through a meditation, I got what I thought was a clear message from old hurt, an old belief. “You are never going to be good enough!”
I was a little frustrated when it came up but I stayed open. This had been a belief for me for a long time. I asked myself, “Could it really still be here?” But I was willing to write it down and sleep on it. So I did. The next morning, I made my breakfast and sat down with my journal to review what I had written the night before. And then I heard the belief loud and clear: “You are never going to be good enough to belong!” It almost startled me. I could feel the weight of that in my gut and as I let it wash over me, I could feel my emotions swell in my chest and a lump form in my throat as the tears started streaming down my face.
This old "truth" HURT! It hurt like heck!
Here I was sitting in the middle of a bustling kitchen with 15 people scrambling to get their coffee, smoothies, and breakfasts ready, chit chatting in anticipation and excitement for the day, and I was having what felt like a melt down.
I just kept breathing. I went quiet and closed my eyes. I reminded myself of the thing I tell my clients when they feel uncomfortable, uncertain, or like they might resist. Willingness is the first step...
I was willing to learn more about this old belief about not belonging and the feelings and energy that were clearly attached to it. This felt big.
I managed to just focus on my breath and stay connected with my body. I felt the surge of feelings, and with my breath, I regulated and kept it manageable while I also let the tears roll down my face. I could feel the energy being released out of my body like a gust of wind releasing from within my chest.
As I started to feel lighter, I grabbed my phone because I wanted to reach out to someone. I needed to share. And the first thing that popped us was a quote from Brené Brown. I couldn’t believe how relevant it was to my feelings and it felt like it was speaking to me.
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
This quote was exactly what I needed to hear. I was acknowledging the pain that I had carried for so long, that I never belonged anywhere, that I was never good enough to be accepted. I felt the pain and the grief of having held onto this lie for so long.
For the rest of my weekend in Sedona, I enjoyed feeling the light and the powerful feeling of the real truth that I DO BELONG! I belong to ME! And where I go, there I am, belonging to myself and the power of my light and with my newfound courage, I shared my light generously the whole weekend.
I immediately felt that I wanted to share this experience with you, my community, my support system, people like me that know and understand the feeling of not belonging. I wanted to share it with you all because I never want anyone to think that I think I am done healing, learning, or growing. I am a perfectly imperfect human, trying to find my way to be the best I can be to serve more people. After I shared it in the Journey to the Heart Facebook group and asked for support, my heart felt light once more and the love started flooding into my heart and soul.
If this resonates with you, if you feel that you don't belong, I want you to know that I understand. Trust that when you are ready, you will be given a chance to let that go, to face that pain and grief so you can release its weight on your life. What comes in its place is pure love and light, your Authentic Self. Healing takes time. It is a journey, not a destination. But it does get easier, I promise.
Ready to change? Are you stuck? Don’t worry. I can help! Just follow (this link) or call 619-889-6366 to reserve a one-hour coaching session with me ($125). Let me help you with the next step to heal your life. You deserve it! Reserve your spot NOW!
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